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Recently, the dining critic for the local newspaper announced he was retiring. It seems that after about ten years of proving that the pen is mightier than the swordfish, he decided to give his tastebuds a much deserved rest. When I heard the paper was looking for a replacement, a light bulb went off over my head--Why not me? After all, I eat . . . I write. . . Besides, what better way to make a living than to dine for free at all sorts of fancy restaurants--and get paid for it. There was just one thing standing between me and my new life as the Bob Woodward of baba ghanoush: the fact that my idea of fine dining is an Orange Crush, a moon pie, and a bag of Jiffy Pop. I decided that before I threw my name into the pot, I'd better consult an expert in the field of culinary criticism. I headed straight for the library where, luckily, I came across a book--Fondues and Don'ts by noted food authority Karl Wafflinger--that included a chapter entitled "So You Want to Be a Dining Critic." Perfect.
I'm still waiting to hear back from the paper, but, in the meantime, I thought it would be nice to share my research with other aspiring dining critics. So for those writers out there who'd like to step up to the plate but aren't sure if they have the chops, here are some of Wafflinger's more helpful hints.
*Be specific--Remember, it's not enough to flatly report on a meal like you were writing a police report. You must make that dining experience come alive for the reader by adding color and detail. For example, don't just say "the steak was good" when you can say "the steak, a flank cut, came from Lulu Bell, a prize-winning heifer from Ogden Farms. Joey had raised Lulu Bell since she was a calf and was proud when Lulu Bell took the blue ribbon at the Merkin County Fair. It was a sad day on the farm when Old Man Ogden took Lulu Bell to the meat-packing plant. 'Please Dad, don't take Lulu Bell,' Joey cried. 'Sorry son,' said Old Man Ogden. 'I have to pay the cable tv bill.'" You get the idea: more human interest. Now, on to the story of Spuddy, the little potato that could.
*Be careful with opinions--When you express your opinion, it's okay to praise a good dish, but don't go overboard. For example, one critic referred to a restaurant's lima beans as "little pillows of ecstasy." Not only was he demoted to assistant movie reviewer, but he was only allowed to review Pauly Shore movies. On the other hand, some critics go too far in expressing negative opinions. If you aren't careful, such overstatements can get you in hot water. Here are a few pitfalls to watch for:
Hyperbole--"This soufflé is the essence of all that is evil in the world."
Slander--"If the chef would spend more time in the kitchen and less time sleeping with that pet goat of his. . ."
Innuendo--"Yes, these Brussels sprouts should be of particular interest to the health department. . ."
*Know the lingo--When reviewing a foreign restaurant, make sure you know the correct pronunciation of the dish you plan to order. One critic went to a Swedish restaurant and incorrectly pronounced the name of the dish he was ordering. His waiter, Lars, a gung ho type who aimed to please, followed the mispronounced instructions and performed the entire third act of Death of a Salesman, nude, in mime, backwards. This simple miscommunication resulted in an embarrassing situation for all concerned (although Lars did receive a Tony nomination).
*Be thorough--Remember, you're not just a dining critic, you're a consumer reporter, as well. Always pay attention to details such as the check total. Waiters do make mistakes, and it happens more often than you might think. Consider the case of one Leo Thurm, a tourist visiting Washington, D.C., who, after dining at the Capitol commissary, discovered that the national debt had accidentally been added to his check. The error might have gone unnoticed had Leo not become suspicious after figuring that he needed to leave a $847,227,079,329 tip.
It's also important that in your role as consumer activist, you're familiar with the Health Department rating system. The Health Department inspects every restaurant and assigns it a letter grade. Here's an example of what the letter grades mean: "A"--Kitchen is clean, employees properly attired, no sign of rodents. "D"--Garbage on floor, chef not wearing hairnet, some signs of rodents. "F"--Kitchen qualifies for EPA Superfund, chef is using hairnet for strainer, it was the rodents who called the Health Department to complain about the conditions.
*Beware the Salad Bar Controversy--The salad bar has been one of the most hotly debated topics in the world of dining criticism. Reviewers just can't seem to agree on it. Some feel the salad bar represents a way for diners to get exactly what they want; others feel that it's too self-serving. Interestingly enough, the biggest salad bar, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, is Rudy's Mile o' Salad in Boise, Idaho, where owner Rudy Gurner broadened the salad bar concept to include not just fruit, vegetables, and dessert, but also paper clips, fishing tackle, and spark plugs.
*Learn to tell a fast-food restaurant from a real restaurant--Actually, there's a quick and easy way to determine this. If your knife, fork, plate, or chicken nuggets are made of plastic, then it's pretty safe to assume you are in a fast-food restaurant.
So there you have it. A quick-and-easy guide to the world of dining criticism. I've done my part. Now the meatball's in your court.
Photoillustration by Barry Willis
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